Baby Bear - week 11

 ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JAN 17, 2014

Last night we heard baby bear's heartbeat. I expected it to be emotional, but I was just utterly speechless with a goofy smile on my face and tears just welling and falling. I laid on the bed at the birth center, and the student midwife, under the lead midwife's supervision, pressed and scanned the doppler and speaker into my lower abdomen. At first it was just static and my heartbeat, and the longer the scanning took, the more I anticipated what baby's heart beat sounded like and wanted to hear it so badly. And then there it was. and it sounded amazing. It sounded so real and alive and healthy. I nervously laughed, smiled, cried, and looked at Ben, both speechless. 

What an amazing gift we have been given. 

The past few weeks have been weird. I'm way thicker in my midsection, and very thankful for winter - sweaters, layers. bulk. I'm hoping to hold out another 4 weeks before I tell my boss and coworkers. I've been getting mild headaches, overall tiredness, and just plain not-feeling-like-myself-ness. I'm hoping in the next week or two the energy comes back and I can join real-life again. Second trimester is supposed to be glorious, right!!

I'm already getting a little freaked with saving more and more money so I can comfortably take time off work after the baby is born. Very aware of the rug, crib, and rocker we need to buy. Aware of the basement we still need to organize. There's still my closet to organize so we can move my dresser into the baby's room. The dresser that still needs the huge crack in the wood repaired before baby clothes arrive! 

Baby Bear - Week 9

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JANUARY 2, 2014

Today baby bear is the size of a green olive. growing each and every day.

baby doll carrier pattern - 3BeansStudio

I feel like I have the 24hr stomach flu for over a week now and I doubt I'll get any relieve anytime soon. Eating doesn't make me feel better, not eating doesn't make it feel better. I'm rocking a killer headache all day every day. I could sleep for.ever. 

We told our parents and siblings over Christmas holiday - my parents cried, it was fantastic. My mom said "this is all I ever wanted!" - which is so true. Since Ben and I got engaged she's been anxiously waiting for a newborn to hold. It was a perfect way to end Christmas, and filled with so much emotion. There is nothing that pulls on heartstrings more than seeing your dad cry!

For Ben's parents we gave them pregnancy announcement cards with a picture of us on the back from the day we found out, holding the pee stick. For my family, we gave my mom a wrapped present with a few "grandma is the best"-esque baby bibs and the announcement card. 

We also decided on a birth center a few weeks ago - which is pretty crazy. We really love the place and a friend of mine gave birth there a year and a half ago and really enjoyed her experience. We go for our first appointment at week 11, where hopefully we'll be able to hear the lil' bear's heartbeat!!

Trying and finding out.

Trying to conceive was really emotional. And we were lucky, it only took us four months.  It was like experiencing a breakup every month. You invest so much passion, thought, love into wanting to bring a child into the world - only to be disappointed when your period comes.

Ben and I made a very calculated, planned, and well thought out decision on when we wanted to have a baby. 80% of the decision revolved on when we felt financially secure and healthy enough. The other 20% was just the crazy overloading desire to have a baby (for both Ben and I!). 

So July 2013 I stopped renewing my Nuvaring perscription and drinking alcohol and coffee. and planned out my ovulation calendar, and got to work. And when my period came, I just felt like a huge failure. But we kept our heads up - more time to save up money, more time to have fun parties. 

I looked into when I should start worrying if I was broken. The internet is full of terrible answers. The best I got was from a "ask the doctor" section, where the doctor said usually between 3-5 months after you stop taking birth control, you should be ovulating regularly enough to conceive. 

Another month. Another sadness. 
In October, I was feeling terrible about a week before my period was to come. I got excited - maybe this was it, maybe this is the beginning of morning sickness. I even took an early pregnancy test 1 day before I was to get my period. It was negative. And my terrible feeling was actually the beginning of a Cold. That's right, a cold, not a baby. I thought we were doomed.
We tried not to talk about it too much, and look on the bright side. And when we got to October and November, two solo vacations/trips, cut right into the later half of my ovulation week. We thought we'd never catch a break.

Then, on November 27, I started getting weird cramps. Regular cramping before my period wasn't abnormal, so I set myself up for disappointment over the next day or two. But this cramping was weirder, a little deeper, higher and then my period didn't come. And it didn't come on Thanksgiving either. And we tried not to get excited, because we knew that chances were low. The day after thanksgiving, mid-morning, I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. I took the pee stick test. As I held it there, it gave the little "thinking" hourglass, then error-ed out. I literally had to pull out the directions to see what the "open book with an arrow" meant. It meant I held the pee stick wrong while it was calculating and it apparently needs to be held with the wet part down. WHY DIDN'T IT TELL ME THIS ON THE BOX. So I had to go to the kitchen and explain that I took an error-proof-test and error-ed on the test, and was out of pee.  We had a good laugh, and mostly made fun of me. A few hours gallons of water drank later, I decided to try again. 

It read pregnant. Quick and easy. No uncertainty.
I was filled with so much joy. so much joy. words can't explain, I could barely talk as I waved it infront on Ben. 
All I could muster was that this was really happening, we did it, we're going to have a baby.
We did it. It worked. 
And then I cried all over the place. and tried to just burn this feeling, this moment in my memory forever.

We were homebodies the rest of the holiday weekend, reveling in our new life. 

Baby Bear - Week 6

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DECEMBER 12, 2013

found here

Today I'm 6 weeks.

I can't tell if the pit in my stomach is the beginning of morning sickness or just a ball of nervousness.

Only Ben knows. (more on that reveal later). And my brother, but he's sworn to secrecy. He's being deployed this month, and I wanted him to know since he probably won't be state-side my entire pregnancy.

I still can't believe it. I even took another pregnancy test a few days ago, just to make sure it's not a dream.

I'm still working out 3-4x a week, with "unexplained" exhaustion. why does there have to be so much jumping? I'm still going to work, holding in this secret, scared at any moment I will need to start explaining a long-duration stomach bug. But not yet. so far under control.

I take my prenatals. I take fish oil. I eat my fruits and veggies.
I eat too many carbs, sweets.
I read about what can go wrong.

I reflect. I trust my body.
I'm a day closer. I'm a week closer

 I can't look at little poppy seed turned raisin/ lizard illustrations without tears welling up inside me. I just want this so badly. We want this so badly. 

I'm tired all the time. I still fit in all my clothes. But my breasts have swelled, they're sore. I think I'm getting thicker through my midsection, maybe it's the bag of Fritos I ate with lunch? Am I doing this wrong?

No one writes about this time.  This taboo time before the second semester safety zone. It's so much isolation, secrets, worry.

Ben and I are interviewing Birth Centers this past week. I know I want to be in control of my delivery.

Growing News!

We're excited to announce that our little family will be welcoming a baby girl this summer!

Over the moon excited.
We've wanted to be parents for so long and feel so blessed that I've been able to carry our baby. The nursery is painted, the gender revealed, and a few baby bump stories have been written in draft, ready to be published.


Right now I'm clocking in at 18ish weeks. Almost half way! A pretty uneventful pregnancy by all accounts- typical 1st trimester tiredness, sometimes moody, no cravings out of the ordinary.

Looking forward to sharing our story with you!