year two

August 20th this year marked our second wedding anniversary... and in typical Ben-Dana fashion, we didn't exchange gifts (all I - always - want is to spend time together and maybe dress up & go out to eat). This year we've made tremendous strides in paying down our debt and gaining some financial stability - that it seems silly to give each other gifts when all we want is to use that money to buy paint, wainscoting, build our savings, or a new couch.

The other weekend we saw someone's save-the-date on our friend's fridge. It was cute, as it showed a short timeline of when they met, fell in love, proposed, and are getting married. Ben compared our timeline:

2005, met.
2005, fell in love.
2009, started dating.
2010, proposed.
2011, wedding.

Sooo, we were a little out of the normal cycle but it worked out perfectly IMO. I was crazy for Ben the moment we met in physics lab. That kind of - needtobearoundyouconstantly kind of love. It provided literally the best friendship I ever had. I was really busy with schoolwork (of course, we had the same degree/classes) and beyond involved in SWE and another half dozen organizations on campus. I didn't have time for dating my future husband.

But I kept him close.
And he kept me close.

And when it was time to graduate, grow up, and move across the country, I finally listened to my heart. And I made sure I would never be without Ben, my best friend.

xxdana

happy marriage / happy kid

I've read a lot of places that when couples have children, they are less happy, less fulfilled, less in love, etc etc. What a downer!

I believe, and am deeply attached to the notion that when I married Ben I was marrying forever. That no matter what happens, I am going to be there for him, and him there for me. It's a growing support network, that changes needs - and we adapt and grow with it. And while there are moments of challenge, there are greater, and more moments of joy and love. It would be a big bummer if we "lost" that when we decide to have children.

To speak honestly, I remember a lot more fighting than hugging between my parents growing up. That's not to say they weren't in love - there was just a lot of tension and choas that got in the way. I learned about love by the way my parents loved me, not so much by watching them love each other.

I was a happy enough child, I played sports, had friends, and got good grades - never excelling in either department (I'd like to think I was just above Average). I was angry, annoyed, and sad during my teens. I mostly blamed it on my middle-child syndrome. But what if (isn't that a dangerous phrase!) there was more love and happy when I was growing up?  Would I have been happier, more confident, excelled more? Or maybe I would have been a flake or not determined enough to achieve what I have?

Either way, I've thought endlessly as to what kind of parent I want to be -- The kind of parent that loves my spouse and fills the house with care, respect, and good conversation (all three things I learned from my parents).

bank accounts: joint vs individual

 

 

Before we got engaged, I came into the relationship with increasing debt from my one credit card, a car loan, phone bill, and student loans - all accounts that needed paid monthly. I also had been using my PA-based bank, exclusively. On top of all that, I was really financially private and (honestly) very ashamed of my constant indulgences and money-smithing I was doing to get everything paid. No questions were allowed to be asked, and I took great offense to any budget discussions (sorry ben!). 

When we got engaged, the idea of being a jointly operated unit was pretty daunting. We were already living and financially operating together - paying the rent with two separate checks, alternating who got what utility, whoever went grocery shopping paid the bill, etc. And I kept thinking what a pain it would be to transfer my automatic bill payments (see: monthly payments, above). I had asked other recently married folks but they all seemed  to already have a joint account, years before getting hitched. Surprisingly, they also seemed to have a greater difference of pay (Ben and I get paid very similarly). This further confused what we should do and how to handle it.

We settled on a slow transition and complete honestly. I had to also change, monthly, how my direct deposit from work was being divided up between my old acct, new acct, and joint acct.

Step 1 - set up new accounts (individual and joint). 

Step 2 - stop using old bank account

We both agreed I was nuts for having a bank account that had the nearest ATM 2300 miles away. Step 1 - stop using old bank account and take inventory of what was linked to it (Groupon, Car, Phone Bill, Roth IRA, paypal, credit cards, amazon, etc). I then grouped them into easiest to update bank information (Groupon) to hardest (Car Loan). I had transitioned everything except my car loan and my credit cards by the time the wedding came around. The idea was that I was going to finish out my car loan (paid off December 2012!) and just use the money in the acct to pay off my credit cards, so they didn't affect my "spending money" in my new acct. Dumb idea, and it really just slowed down the pay-off process. 

Step 3 - agree to what comes out of the joint acct. 

We decided that Rent/Mortgage, Utilities, Groceries, and out-to-eat adventures. It sometimes includes Dog Boarding, vacation excursions, and other "together" events. But getting to this point was hard to do when I still had money in my old account. It wasn't until I moved everything and closed the acct that I had enough "cushion" in my new personal account, could I share the joint spending burden. The joint acct is viewable from both our individual accounts - so there's no sneaky spending or hiding. For more information, because we get paid very similarly, we both put in equal amounts of our paycheck into our joint account to pay these joint purchases. I think if our pay had a greater difference we would do a proportional pay into our joint acct (and savings).  

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Final Thoughts

- Be open about financial worries with your spouse. My dad said it the best when I asked for his advice: "when you get married, your debt and his debt is now both of your problems" - we're a team and needed to be able to ask for help. Your financial habits will affect your family.

- Don't judge. the past is done and the money is spent. The best way to go about it is to be understanding and help each other make better decisions. 

Anything you want to discuss? 
What are some of your financial stumbling blocks?

more from the money series

TOP photo from our engagement photos, taken by an amazing photographer friend - check out his stories and pictures here
BOTTOM photo from our wedding, via Cardens Photography in PA

sober texting

By Sally Beerworth 

& The Joy of Ex Foundation

here

Friends

It sounds so cheesy when I say to myself, "I am so thankful for my friends."  I hate thinking that it sounds cliche. But every time my friends pull through and help me sort through the chaos, I just want to shout from the rooftop that I am so thankful for the people in my life that can help me. I wish for the day I can return the favor.

emotional debt

So thank you, friends, for

- Answering the many cries for help with our house (and always being on Facebook or near your phone)

- Pet sitting either Yogi or the Kittens, evenings or weeks, you are fantastic people.

- Always receiving us with such big hearts and hugs. & Letting us get to know your families and your food.

- Making me smile because I know some of the most fun, goofy, and passionate people!

our souls

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." 

Emily Bronte

 Buy here

spell love

Piglet: "How do you spell love?"

Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."

Don't Keep Score

Source

I thanked my husband the other day, as he loaded the dishwasher, for cleaning up dinner. I was feeling particularly tired after my 'paid work- nonpaid work- workout' 15 hr day and was thankful I didn't have to box up dinner and face the always growing pile of dishes. 

He said he was feeling bad about not doing more around the house and wanted to make up for it. I laughed and hugged him hard - Sometimes I forget how sweet Ben is.  The truth is, I don't mind doing the dishes - junk piled on counters stress me out. I usually will come home from work or wake up Saturday morning and start marathon cleaning the kitchen.  I don't hold Ben accountable for how many times he cleans the dishes because I know we're not keeping score of how many times I've picked up the dog poo in the back yard.  

I would like to think it's a success of our relationship - we don't keep score and it doesn't matter who does what or how often - we'll get to the dishes when we get to them.

Also, I'm pretty sure only I can pack 

and run the dishwasher correctly.

What are you finding to be part of a successful relationship?