Trying and finding out.

Trying to conceive was really emotional. And we were lucky, it only took us four months.  It was like experiencing a breakup every month. You invest so much passion, thought, love into wanting to bring a child into the world - only to be disappointed when your period comes.

Ben and I made a very calculated, planned, and well thought out decision on when we wanted to have a baby. 80% of the decision revolved on when we felt financially secure and healthy enough. The other 20% was just the crazy overloading desire to have a baby (for both Ben and I!). 

So July 2013 I stopped renewing my Nuvaring perscription and drinking alcohol and coffee. and planned out my ovulation calendar, and got to work. And when my period came, I just felt like a huge failure. But we kept our heads up - more time to save up money, more time to have fun parties. 

I looked into when I should start worrying if I was broken. The internet is full of terrible answers. The best I got was from a "ask the doctor" section, where the doctor said usually between 3-5 months after you stop taking birth control, you should be ovulating regularly enough to conceive. 

Another month. Another sadness. 
In October, I was feeling terrible about a week before my period was to come. I got excited - maybe this was it, maybe this is the beginning of morning sickness. I even took an early pregnancy test 1 day before I was to get my period. It was negative. And my terrible feeling was actually the beginning of a Cold. That's right, a cold, not a baby. I thought we were doomed.
We tried not to talk about it too much, and look on the bright side. And when we got to October and November, two solo vacations/trips, cut right into the later half of my ovulation week. We thought we'd never catch a break.

Then, on November 27, I started getting weird cramps. Regular cramping before my period wasn't abnormal, so I set myself up for disappointment over the next day or two. But this cramping was weirder, a little deeper, higher and then my period didn't come. And it didn't come on Thanksgiving either. And we tried not to get excited, because we knew that chances were low. The day after thanksgiving, mid-morning, I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. I took the pee stick test. As I held it there, it gave the little "thinking" hourglass, then error-ed out. I literally had to pull out the directions to see what the "open book with an arrow" meant. It meant I held the pee stick wrong while it was calculating and it apparently needs to be held with the wet part down. WHY DIDN'T IT TELL ME THIS ON THE BOX. So I had to go to the kitchen and explain that I took an error-proof-test and error-ed on the test, and was out of pee.  We had a good laugh, and mostly made fun of me. A few hours gallons of water drank later, I decided to try again. 

It read pregnant. Quick and easy. No uncertainty.
I was filled with so much joy. so much joy. words can't explain, I could barely talk as I waved it infront on Ben. 
All I could muster was that this was really happening, we did it, we're going to have a baby.
We did it. It worked. 
And then I cried all over the place. and tried to just burn this feeling, this moment in my memory forever.

We were homebodies the rest of the holiday weekend, reveling in our new life.