Baby Bear - Week 6

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DECEMBER 12, 2013

found here

Today I'm 6 weeks.

I can't tell if the pit in my stomach is the beginning of morning sickness or just a ball of nervousness.

Only Ben knows. (more on that reveal later). And my brother, but he's sworn to secrecy. He's being deployed this month, and I wanted him to know since he probably won't be state-side my entire pregnancy.

I still can't believe it. I even took another pregnancy test a few days ago, just to make sure it's not a dream.

I'm still working out 3-4x a week, with "unexplained" exhaustion. why does there have to be so much jumping? I'm still going to work, holding in this secret, scared at any moment I will need to start explaining a long-duration stomach bug. But not yet. so far under control.

I take my prenatals. I take fish oil. I eat my fruits and veggies.
I eat too many carbs, sweets.
I read about what can go wrong.

I reflect. I trust my body.
I'm a day closer. I'm a week closer

 I can't look at little poppy seed turned raisin/ lizard illustrations without tears welling up inside me. I just want this so badly. We want this so badly. 

I'm tired all the time. I still fit in all my clothes. But my breasts have swelled, they're sore. I think I'm getting thicker through my midsection, maybe it's the bag of Fritos I ate with lunch? Am I doing this wrong?

No one writes about this time.  This taboo time before the second semester safety zone. It's so much isolation, secrets, worry.

Ben and I are interviewing Birth Centers this past week. I know I want to be in control of my delivery.